Seasons of the Heart

Uncharted Hearts
By JJHIII24

© 2014 by JJHIII24

Since beginning my journey of discovery, searching as I have for so many years for some kind of resolution and for the answers to the questions posed by my experiences along the path, I’ve begun to think that there are certain elements of these experiences which contain important aspects of the correct resolution, but which, for some reason, are not themselves the answer to my longings. One might view the existence of these partial answers as an intimation that, at some point, the aggregation of all the parts of the answer might amount to a complete answer. The frustration comes in when I consider the inner certainty I have when expressing my genuine feelings, compared to how the circumstances have sometimes played out. If I felt so sure that I was on the right path, and ended up in pain and without a resolution, how will I know when the actual resolution appears?

I have come to understand that our most personal and intimate longings are spiritual at their core, but since we exist temporally at present, they must manifest as temporal phenomena, in order for us to comprehend and fully experience them. As human beings, we are, in my view, a temporal manifestation of a divine nature at the heart of the universe. Consequently, it seems reasonable to conclude, that our longings are also spiritual in nature, but become manifest in the temporal.

The connection between two spirits naturally migrates to the temporal, since we are temporal (corporeal) beings. Passion is spiritual at its core, but is represented and fulfilled in the physical world through biological drives that govern our instinctual needs. Intimacy with kindred spirits is desirable because it is the closest we can come to the spiritual in our corporeal lives. Passion for a particular individual temporal being indicates a spiritual connection of some sort, which may only be possible to fulfill in a physically intimate setting. If intimacy is not possible, some alternative arrangement must be found to satisfy the longings. The most difficult circumstance is when intimacy is necessary to fulfill the longings, but is not possible temporally. There must be an alternative that can assist us in overcoming the limitations of the temporal, without sacrificing the necessary fulfillment issues.

The movement is sometimes subtle. Life doesn’t always hit you over the head. It’s possible to get bogged down. Sustaining momentum can be difficult, especially when the world conspires against you. Pain doesn’t have to hurt your body parts to be real. What is most unsettling about all this uncertainty is that I have had moments where I believed I was pursuing the correct course so strongly, that I was willing to risk everything to pursue it. It wouldn’t make any sense to abandon our lives, such as they are, without some extremely powerful and significant cause, not to mention at least some degree of optimism in even a remote possibility for success. Once I begin to feel that I am approaching an important possible resolution to this dilemma, I generally allow myself to follow my instincts. I try not to question the course I’m on too strongly, and just let it flow as it goes. It is my belief that creative endeavors generally, and poetry in particular, frequently address the “ineffable mystery” of humanity’s spiritual nature. It is not necessarily a religious question, but rather a question which surrounds the incorporeal aspects of being human. Some time ago, I wrote about this connection to the ineffable:

johannek_forced-to http://www.newgrounds.com/art/view/johannek

“There is a connection to the consciousness of humanity, and to the interaction of emotions and cognitive functions of the brain, with an essence that is clearly transcendent of human nature. Our natural inclinations, particularly with regard to the arts, demonstrate a capacity within us that has as its source, a force or character that is inexplicable in terms of neurobiology. The ineffable aspects of our existence, and their connection to our very human nature, driven as it is, in large part by biology, are very likely never going to yield to empirical scrutiny, no matter how profound the comprehension of our biology becomes.”

While this attempts to address the ineffable, it actually only describes the problem, and expresses the heart of my concerns with regard to finding a path to explain my heartfelt feelings. In light of recent conversations with individuals who embody the essence of this matter, I have begun to understand a bit better, and hope that I can pursue the matter further, without endangering any of these extraordinary and cherished relationships. It is impossible to estimate the value of my emotional and spiritual connection in this circumstance, and I hope that by speaking to the relationships without identifying them, I may be able to shed some light on how important they are to me, not only from a deeply personal perspective, but also as a profoundly illuminating demonstration of my ideas.

I can recall a handful of times when a developing relationship with a particular individual moved me to the point of producing creative work. In every case, the individual affected me in this way effortlessly and profoundly. I inevitably found myself so enamored of the individual, that being creative eventually became part and parcel of the fabric of our moments together. Although I did not immediately recognize the importance of this connection in every case, it was clear almost immediately that there was far more going on below the surface. Restricted by social conventions, it sometimes became necessary to temper the passionate connection to the spirit, with the considerations of practicality and propriety. In spite of these limitations, the creative spirit within me reached out to the beautifully luminous spirits before me.

The sensation of longing has existed since the beginning of life on earth. It has penetrated time and space, and continues to issue forth across the timeless waves of eternity. Our connections to other spirits today must, in a very real way, be similar to those of intimate spirits since the beginning of time. Spiritual longings, in all their variety and intensity, frequently take us by surprise, and we end up searching through our own lifetimes for ways to satisfy them. Reluctant to expose another to our private pain, we frequently endure the longings in silence, patiently awaiting some comfortable resolution in the privacy of our own thoughts.

The real power and strength of passion is most evident in the silences between words. It has always been my belief that a genuine feeling is best expressed with our eyes. There is no better way to discern the veracity of our feelings than to look directly into the eyes of another, and see how we appear to them. We sometimes express our affection in familial terms, and in terms of friendship, when in fact the union of spirits is far more complex. We have to be cautious when we attempt to explain the inexplicable. Our compulsion to direct our energies toward the like-minded spirits we encounter is completely understandable in a certain context, and only crosses over in to more ambiguous areas when we attempt to explain in more intimate terms.

Our capacity for affection is boundless, but as we age we have less time to appreciate the seasons of the heart, and acquire the kind of passion that our spirits seem to long for. It is mostly in the deepest recesses of our thoughts, and within our heart of hearts, that we sense both the beauty and wonder of our longings. Coming to terms with the spiritual connection of both emotion and consciousness seems like the only sensible approach to resolving the conflict.