I am continually searching for my own personal and spiritual place; for a return to the path of the spirit. I feel strongly that all of my efforts generally find me heading in that direction, but I can’t honestly say I know for certain, at least not at all times, just which direction I should take. While I am on the path, I get glimpses of a possible future; I get glimpses of what truly matters. They are images conjured by my mindful attention to what may be possible; a future that I might envision for myself.
I deliberately remain open to connecting with others, especially those who, for a number of reasons, I believe may hold a piece of the puzzle, and I try to engage them in a way that will reveal this puzzle piece, without intruding, and allow these others to decide whether or not to share if they are so inclined. I know that by my embrace of this approach, extending myself, my spirit, to others—in doing that—I often come across these pieces and they help me to find my way. I don’t know yet, in a comprehensive way, what that way is precisely, but I do know that the way of the spirit is my way—the way I must go.
As it is described in the Terrence Malick film, “The Tree of Life,” my way is the way of grace. I want nothing for myself, I only wish for grace to carry me forward—to open me. I am not of this world completely. I am in this world, but I am not of this world only. I arrived on this planet over six decades ago, and for as long as I can remember, I’ve been searching and struggling, trying to understand. I have written so many words along the way, and in recent years, I have tried to faithfully articulate the experiences I have encountered on my journey. I have done all that I can to build a foundation of the spirit in my life.
I have had some marvelous periods of construction, as well as periods of seemingly long gaps in my understanding. Yet, I continue. I push forward. I strive continually, not only to reach the spirit, but also to embrace the spirit within me—to identify completely with my human spirit, my soul.
Nearly every adventure I’ve had and each deliberate choice I’ve made on this journey has been in the service of my search. Not everything has been viewed by others I’ve encountered in the temporal world as being particularly useful. At times, they have questioned my judgement. I cannot claim that I have made the right choice at every moment. Some of my choices have been destructive and not constructive. When I have been all the way down, scraping the bottom, I’ve often had to fight my way back, claw my way back; stretch and reach; paddle furiously in the waters of uncertainty and mystery.
At the end of it all, I frequently seemed to understand better; to have a small incremental moment of progress, and it has helped me to continue. I did not always suppose during those times that I would have the courage to make the choices I have made, and even now, I hesitate to move past some of those experiences, but I must move forward—and so I have.
When I withdraw within, I can sometimes feel the changes that are coming. I sense them. When I am alone and communing with myself, my spirit, my inner world—when I go there—there is the bright light of the spirit. I quickly realize when I look into the eyes of one who is, in some way, one with me, that I am seeing myself mirrored in that spirit, because when it comes right down to it, we are all one with the spirit, and so long as there is an opening given, I know that I am on some part of the spiritual path.
The path is me. I always thought I was seeking the path, to find it, to exist within it. In all my searching, I never truly realized that the searching itself was the path. Now, as I approach the “autumn of my years,” I sense not just the beauty, the vibrant colors, the release from the steam and heat of the summer, which my life has been for some time, but I also now sense the gradual conversion from the greenness of the summer of my life, to those brilliant, colorful, extraordinary, and spiritual times that await. It is my hope that the transition within me endures a great deal longer than what the autumn appears to endure here in the temporal plane. I don’t wish for a brief autumn, or a late autumn, or even an extended autumn. I want a nice, slow, gradual embrace; a relief from the stifling temperatures of the past; an education in life that comes with the transition between seasons; the uplifting of my spirit that I experience every year as this season approaches in the temporal plane. The only way to make full use of it is to dive headlong into it. As glorious and beautiful and colorful and sensual and extraordinary as I know this autumn within will be, there still remains some lingering anxiety that I feel as I think about what is to come, and how all the signs portend the arrival of winter, when all things begin to recycle.
On the true spiritual path, one may find oneself, in some form or another, floating, descending, flying, returning, and becoming. All of these things are contained in and manifested within this very moment. I have spoken often of my experiences in the past, about being in some field somewhere, perhaps long distant in time in the past or in a world that is yet to come, and about finding myself in a clearing. I see it. I step out into it. The sun is shining. It’s mild, but warm. There is a gentle breeze. I look out across the clearing, and I see only the world. As I slowly advance into the clearing, my hands touch the tips of the tall grass. I feel a sense of pleasure—a sense of contentment. I know that all is well without knowing exactly how I know, but I believe it. My steps become deliberate. I look down; I look up. I see a beautiful blue sky with puffy white clouds flitting by. The clearing is quite grand. At the edge of the forest, the mountains rise in the distance.
Suddenly, the sun goes behind the clouds briefly. I look at the edge of the forest in the distance. There is some sort of disturbance along that edge, but I can’t quite make it out from this distance, so I start to walk towards it, and very quickly my heart starts to race a bit. I’m not sure if it’s anxiety or anticipation. My steps quicken. It starts to become clearer what is in front of me. The sun peeks out again from behind the clouds. My pace slows. In the distance, it can be nothing else. It’s not a hallucination, it’s not a wish. It is a moment of recognition of something already known. As the world becomes clearer, my heart rises, my spirit rises, and my body becomes alive. As I approach, and am close enough to see, I feel my spirit rise even higher. A bright light at the center of the disturbance feels like the presence of another spirit. It feels like a conglomeration of possibilities. Had I not already made the decision to accept the risk of pursuing those potentials before I arrived, the anxiety I experienced would not have been so strongly felt.
Without the courage to pursue it, I would be lost. I find myself to be curiously hopeful that acceptance of the path will lead to opportunity—a prelude to some good end.