It all happened on one of those steamy, sultry summer nights in August some years ago.
I had returned home from a fairly strenuous nightshift at my job, and the humidity was thick in the air, draining me of what little energy I had left, leaving me exhausted and sweaty. I felt a headache starting on my way home, so when I finally got into the house, I decided to tiptoe into the bedroom to get a couple aspirins off my dresser, being careful not to wake my wife. Since it was so warm, after locating the aspirin bottle, I removed my shirt and tossed it in the laundry, slowly closed the bedroom door, and stepped out into the long hallway leading to the kitchen.
As I walked toward the light from the kitchen, I popped open the bottle and started tapping it against my palm to get the pills out when I suddenly felt a little tickle at my waist. At the edge of the kitchen now, I glanced down at my waist, only to see, clinging firmly to my belt, the largest insect I had ever seen. He reminded me of one of those African dung beetles, and he appeared to be smiling at me. He must have attached himself to my pant leg as I got in the car at the edge of the parking lot near a wooded area at work. At that point, I did what any reasonably rational person would do…
I panicked.
Without hesitation, I swung at him with my hand, which was holding the pill bottle, smacking the intruder away from my body, spilling the contents of the bottle across the hardwood floor. He hit the floor with a thump that sounded like I had just dropped a small bean bag. For a brief moment, he struggled upside down, but quickly turned himself over and began to scurry across the floor, pushing aside the little yellow tablets as he ran.
“Oh, no you don’t!,” I thought to myself. “You’re not going to get away THAT easily!”
I grabbed a small stack of newspapers off the cabinet in the hallway and began swatting at him, flailing wildly at first, knocking over chairs, even shoving the kitchen table aside to improve my line of fire. It took several minutes of chasing and swatting to subdue him, and after he finally stopped moving, I paused momentarily to catch my breath, when I began to feel a little tickle on my leg.
Now the adrenalin was REALLY pumping!
Faster than I ever remember doing previously, I removed my pants in the kitchen, started shaking them like a madman, when I saw a smaller but equally disturbing bug drop out onto the floor, and the chase was on again. It appeared that the freeloader had brought along his girlfriend. I grabbed a kitchen towel and trapped the lady bug fairly quickly, and tossed her out the door, towel and all.
By now, all the commotion had finally been sufficient to disturb my wife, who trudged sleepily into the doorway of the kitchen, where it now appeared that there must have been some sort of a brawl. There I was, standing in my underwear,panting and wide-eyed, holding my pant legs.
Apparently unfazed by it all, she rubbed her eyes, and asked simply, “Are you coming to bed?”
Not really knowing what else to say, exasperated and finally calming down, I simply replied, “Yes…I’ll be there in a few minutes.”
I arranged for a proper disposal of the original intruder, placing and securing the corpse in a plastic shopping bag, and dropped him in the trash can outside.
***Side note*** This post was supposed to appear in April, but some technical snafu with WordPress prevented me from posting anything.
John's Consciousness 