“The transcendental law, Emerson believed, was the ‘moral law,’ through which man discovers the nature of God, a living spirit…The true nature of life was energetic and fluid; its transcendental unity resulted from the convergence of all forces upon the energetic truth, the heart of the moral law.” — excerpt from The American Tradition in Literature, Vol. 1, W.W. Norton & Company, Inc., 1967
“Undoubtedly, we have no questions to ask which are unanswerable. We must trust the perfection of the creation so far as to believe that whatever curiosity the order of things has awakened in our minds, the order of things can satisfy. Every man’s condition is a solution in hieroglyphic to those inquiries he would put. He acts it as life, before he apprehends it as truth.”— Ralph Waldo Emerson, from his introduction to “Nature.”
With milder temperatures and the blossoming of the natural world underway, I am reminded of years past and the turmoil within me that has always accompanied the onset of Spring. Each time the Earth is in renewal, the passage of time seems more pronounced as the clearly defined changes of the season manifest all around us. All throughout Winter’s cold and extended hours of darkness, we long for the warmth and the sunshine to come. We huddle together against the cold in order to survive. When we first feel the warm Spring air blowing against our faces, and witness the plants and trees begin to sprout their leaves and blossoms, something within us also stirs. Our hearts and minds acknowledge this transformation not only by sensation, but also by intuition.
Somehow, I have been brought to this day and time to fulfill, what must be, some discernible purpose. My heightened sensitivity and enhanced intuitive senses since the events in Massachusetts blew the lid off my steaming pot of consciousness, and I found that I was no longer able to contain the inner struggle. It was a gradual process of unfolding, after the initial burst of energy that one Sunday afternoon, but the flow has been maintained these many years by determined effort to unravel it all. In my temporal world, it seems that life continues to plod along relentlessly. But within me, on rare occasions, particular individuals continue to evoke an awareness of powerful longings, and in several of those instances, it became clear that the consciousness within ME, was connected intimately with the consciousness of the other. It seems, in view of the existence of these intimate connections, that consciousness is a word that describes a transcendent awareness–a manifestation of a non-physical source. By this reckoning, the Universe itself must also be a physical manifestation of a non-physical source. Human consciousness must involve a transformational process through which our transcendent awareness is expressed.
During one such experience of transcendent awareness, one connection in particular struck at the very core of my being. Although it seemed on the surface to be a formidable task to reconcile my temporal existence with this connection, I made every effort to maintain the connection, in order to convey the deeper meaning of my attention. In my previous post, I acknowledged the struggle between my heart and mind, trying to distinguish for myself the true nature of the connection, and wrote what follows.
Declaration of Affection
I will never forget the joy and unbridled energy of the first days of our acquaintance. Whenever I close my eyes, I can see you clearly in my mind as you looked on the day when I first saw your face–a shy and giggling gem glittering before my eyes. I remember thinking how beautiful you were; your gently flowing hair surrounding your radiant face and your exquisitely grayish-blue eyes–with a smile that seemed to fill the room with a glow that lingered long after my eyes could no longer see your face. The image of your face will never leave me now.
At first, there was only unencumbered joy when we shared conversation. Your heart and mind were totally open to me. Each new day brought my heart and mind within proximity to a miracle. Your spirit was so dynamic and wondrous, that whenever we spoke, my very life force seemed to tremble, as though I might, at any moment, leave my body and fly swiftly to you. The first time I looked deeply into those eyes, it only took a moment to realize that the world would never again be the same. After several starts and stops, far removed from the everyday routines, when you finally opened your heart to me, my own heart was flung wide open, and pumped wildly as I held you in my arms for the first time. I wanted that moment to last forever.
The chaotic chain of events that followed made me feel like I was hanging off the side of a moving roller coaster. I can scarcely remember anything from those days other than being with you; as if life began when we were together and was suspended when we were apart. Every encounter with you made me feel intensely awake and alive. After one particularly intense moment of sharing, I realized for the first time, how much you meant to me, and I knew at that moment, with absolute certainty, that I loved you. And yet, even as I contemplated the mysterious swirling hurricane that had become my life, the winds of change had begun to stir. All I knew, was that the feelings evoked by our connection were unlike any feeling I knew or had felt before under any circumstances. When it all fell apart, I was unavoidably altered and shaken to my very roots.
The unfolding of events since then do not fit neatly into any sensible or clear explanation, nor do they seem to lead to any satisfactory resolution. The reality of the temporal world has slowly steered us away from the magical world we had once inhabited, and left us in a twilight world of uncertainty and solitude. How the fibers of our mutual memories will weave themselves into a future cloth is hidden from us now. But one thing is abundantly clear. In any Universe, there could be no greater world than the one that includes your bright spirit. I pray that both of our spirits will endure and remain connected to the wisdom that brought them together one beautiful day, not so long ago.
John's Consciousness 
Hi John,
Years ago, I experienced a deep awakening to life through a relationship to someone who seemingly, wasn’t afraid living in a deep, intuitional shared place. It was as if for the first time in my life I was in the presence of someone who was really there. We had a rocky and wild five-year relationship that culminated in our moving to Oregon in 1991. Perhaps through the awakening, we both reached a point where we began to draw separate conclusions about our life’s direction. Although we had never made a long term commitment to the relationship, when we agreed to go our separate ways, it was devastating for me.
As well, we both seemed to be tumbling down into the rabbit hole in different ways that led to losing our ability to understand each other.
In hindsight I remain grateful to this man for being a catalyst that spurred me to more fully live my life. Many are the paths I have traveled since then. The take away for me was to live life more authentically while at the same time accept that we are all flawed and it’s as if you can only fly so high before, like Icarus, our wax wings will melt from the heat of the sun.
Debra
Debra,
Thank you so much for taking the time to respond so thoughtfully to my blog post. It has touched upon some very important ideas that I would like to address in another posting, in order to honor the spirit of your thoughts. The title will be “Awakening and the Fall.” I look forward to our continued conversation.
Warm regards….John H.
What an experience and a well written description of the energy of it and memories that remain–thanks for sharing.
And I hope you will cross paths with that special person again.
It was an extraordinary experience and, as is often the case with such experiences, also quite rare in a lifetime. I struggled to express the fullness of it, and still think of it as only an attempt at expressing it.
You are generous in your response to what I wrote, and I am grateful for your kindness in sharing your thoughts. Please come back to visit here and share your thoughts again.
Warm regards….John H.
No matter what that wonderful relationship ended up being, at the start it seems to have been a fantastic experience. Treasure that! Even if a person only gets to experience that once in a lifetime, that is amazing. Some go through their whole lives having never been touched by such feelings. For any of us to go through them is very lucky. Love the way you express what you went through, and by the way, I am a winter person ^_^sorry ^_^ Thing is, I was born in winter and I love winter. I am at my happiest when the rain is coming down in waves, and the wind howls at the door; though strangely I don’t like it when it snows.
Have a great day x
It is so true, that we should cherish each part of our lives, even when they may include experiences which are painful or unhappy, since our lives are the sum of all our days, and not simply defined by any one particular time of our lives. It is important to take a wider view of life in order to appreciate the whole of it, and many times, opportunities for growth and enrichment necessarily include experiences which are painful or unhappy in some degree. It would be difficult to appreciate a relentless sequence of unfortunate events, to be sure, without being able to see some benefit at some point, but it would leave us equally off-balance to have a life containing only good fortune also. We suppose, especially in the middle of misfortune, that we might rather have none of it, but in looking back, if we do so with an honest perspective, we can see how experiences of every sort formed us in ways that were equally important to our well-being.
That you are a Winter person is nothing to be sorry about. Winter has its own unique appeal, and the storms of Winter are the seeds of Spring, and feed the streams and rivers that sustain all life when winter subsides. Your life is like that too. Your Winter ways feed the streams and rivers of your life, and it is a wonderful way to view the world, providing that we view it as a whole cycle of life that brings it around each year.
Your thought to share your perspective with me is a most welcome experience in any season.
Warm regards…..John H.
Loving your writing, John x
This particular posting describes a transition in some ways; a turning point toward a deeper understanding of the experiences in my life. We sometimes don’t realize that our longings are not simply powerful desires we carry within us. Our longings can also be a set of directions which point us forward on the path to that deeper understanding. Progress on this path can sometimes be exquisitely painful, but it ultimately may fulfill a deeper need of which we may not even be conscious at the time. Writing about these moments can be cathartic in some ways, but still very difficult.
You often produce writing that strikes at the core of your experiences of the ineffable as well, and your acknowledgement of my writing efforts is gratefully received.
Warm regards….John H.