The Story So Far…

Thanks to those who are following here for your patience while I find my way back to the subject of consciousness and to the story of the unfolding of my explorations which have brought me here to this blog. It’s a very compelling drive within me to share the story, and I am a passionate man who feels just about everything he feels in a big way. I know there are a few of you out there who know this very well, and I get comments every once in awhile from another reader who sees this and can relate to this aspect of the writer in me, and it helps me a lot to keep going when the readers here at WordPress are so supportive.

Lately, I have been struggling with some very important and very personal circumstances in my private life that have captured my attention and inspired some of my writing, and they actually strike at the very core of what I am trying to express here about myself and what I believe in so strongly. It has been essential to my well-being to attend to these circumstances, and while it is not clear at all how it will all work out, I am hopeful that, ultimately, I will find a way to bring my heart and mind together, and make the transition to the person I am becoming by blending it with the person I am now.

In the meantime, it seems important to express my gratitude for all the good things in my life, and to remain open to the entire spectrum of what is possible in life. We often seem to get so wrapped up in our daily struggles that we can miss how great life can be when we consider the beauty and wonder and all the fabulous people we are privileged to share this planet with. My youngest daughter came to visit yesterday, and I grabbed her for a long hug and told her that I loved her very much. It’s hard to see your children grow up and away from you sometimes, and I really miss my children being around me like they were when they were younger. To this day, I still can’t think of any time in my life when I was happier, than while I was raising and caring for all six of them. There’s still lots of happy stuff going on, don’t get me wrong, but I just miss them so much sometimes.

This September my only son will be getting married, and I swear I seem to cry every time I think about it. I know it’s because I am happy for him, and as always, hopeful that I might get a grandchild out of the arrangement at some point. When he was about to depart for overseas duty in the military some years ago, heading into unknown dangers very far away, I told him that he was obligated to fulfill his duty to his country, and to his father…who needs to see HIM as a father. There are very few satisfactions in life for a parent than to see their children become parents. I told him I hope he has healthy and happy children more than anything, but a grandson sure would be great too!

Just getting ready to cry my eyes out again as another one of my children gets married is struggle enough, but life has always been challenging for me emotionally. I feel my emotions very strongly, and it’s just my nature to feel what I feel so much. Sometimes people don’t know what to do with me, and I really don’t blame them at all. It can be overwhelming. My sisters and brothers make fun of me because I am so overtly emotional on a regular basis, and I like to throw my arms around them and say, “I love you,” the very minute I see them. I just can’t wait to tell them. To be fair, my sisters and brothers are some of the best people in the whole world. I just can’t help it.

There are a few others in my life who give me a similar feeling, but I’ll be here all day if I start talking about all of that, and I have to get going. I’m still here…and I’m still trying to figure it all out. Any advice or suggestions are welcome…

John H.

Anyway,